Dreaming with a Broken Heart
by Damon4eva
Summary: What was Edward going through in New Moon? What was he thinking when he thought Bella was dead? What were his last thoughts before he stepped out into the sunlight in Voltera? Songfic: Dreaming with a Broken Heart by John Mayer. 1st Songfic ever!


**Okay, this is my first songfic ****so I hope you all like it :D :D :D**

**I just heard the song 'Dreaming with a Broken Heart' by John Mayer and I just thought It was so relevant to how Edward must have felt in New Moon when he was away from Bella and when he found out she was 'dead'**

**Here's a link to the song on YouTube if you want to listen to it:**

**http://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=25URKL26I04**

**(The writing in italics is the song lyrics)**

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Hollow.

That's how I feel. And it gets worse every day I'm away from her.

But I can't go back to her. I promised her that I wouldn't interfere, that I would never see her again.

I know I did it for her sake…but now…I regret the decision I made. Deeply regret it.

'_When you're dreaming with a broken heart_

_The waking up is the hardest part'_

I lay here, in this dark damp attic in Mexico, contemplating my decisions…all of them.

Why did I leave?

Why did we throw her a birthday party, even though she didn't want it?

Why didn't I leave her alone after the first accident with Tyler's van?

Why did I even talk to her in the first place?

Why did I fall in love with her?

The unanswered questions spun around and around my head, making me feel queasy.

I closed my eyes and I let a sob rack through my chest. I already knew the answers to all the questions but I refused to acknowledge it.

All of these things happened because she was Bella Swan, my Bella Swan, my angel, my soul mate.

'_You roll out of bed and down on your knees_

_And for a moment you can hardly breathe'_

I moved slightly and the cardboard boxes I had placed over me slid off and landed on the floor softly. I had tried to imitate the feeling of Bella's blankets over me while she slept peacefully next to me. I laughed humorlessly at how pathetic that was. I lay on my back for an hour or two, just lying there trying not to let the grief take over me.

I closed my eyes and imagined Bella lying next to me. I rolled on my side and snuggled up to my hallucination. I inhaled deeply and tried to remember her specific sent.

Floral, Freesias, life.

I sighed and wrenched my eyelids back and looked at the rotting, dusty floorboards beneath me.

'_Wondering was she really here?_

_Is she standing in my room?'_

I closed my eyes again and pushed off the floor and into a sitting position, leaning against the dirty wall behind me.

I thought I felt her breath on my neck and I quickly opened my eyes and scanned the room, looking for my love.

When it finally occurred to me that I had imagined it, I flopped my head back and let out a groan of frustration.

'_No she's not_

_Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone'_

I let my mind wander. My imagination was much better than my reality.

But behind my eyelids, all I could see was Bella's heartbroken face when I told her I didn't want her.

'You…don't…want me?' she repeated over and over again.

When I told her no…it felt as if…as if…a piece of me had been chopped out. Part of my lungs, my heart…I haven't been able to breathe properly since and my heart was…no existent.

'_When you're dreaming with a broken heart_

_The giving up is the hardest part'_

A single tear slid down her beautiful face.

'If…that's what you want' she sobbed.

Seeing her like this was excruciating. I imagined running to her and embracing her, pressing her soft lips to mine in a kiss that never ended, wiping away any tears that fell and making sure none ever came again.

But I knew that's not what I did. I just walked up to her and placed a kiss on her forehead before I disappeared, ran away, and left her alone…forever.

'_She takes you in with her crying eyes_

_And all at once you have to say goodbye'_

I can't imagine how she must have felt, to have me so abruptly leave her life and take everything with me.

It will be as if I never existed, I told her.

'Wait' she called after me, her voice cracking. But I hadn't waited…I had just left.

How could I have done this to her?! I thought as I repeated the memory over and over again.

I dropped my head in my hands and tried to pull out my hair. I thought if I could cause pain for myself, it would help distract me from what an utter asshole I was.

But no pain came, and no strands of hair fell out. I sobbed and felt sorry for myself for the next hour and a half.

Then, somehow, I started thinking about what Bella would be doing right now. I lifted my head and looked out the small hole in the roof. It was pitch black outside, night.

She would be sleeping right now, safe in her bed. I broke down into another fit of sobs thinking about never having her wake up next to me again. Never to see those gorgeous eyes flutter open and look deeply into my hard cold eyes.

'_Wondering could you stay__, my love?_

_Will you wake up by my side?'_

Suddenly my phone buzzed, causing me to jump. I quickly scrounged through all the junk in the room to find my phone. When I finally found it, I read the caller ID. Rosalie Hale.

I flipped it open 'Hello?' I said weakly. I wasn't just mentally unstable, I was also physically weak. I hadn't hunted for…I had lost count of how many weeks. It probably wasn't the smartest idea.

'Edward! I just got the news from Alice, the bitch is dead!' she said happily into the speaker.

I frowned in confusion 'Who? What?'

'Bella of course! Alice just saw her commit suicide, she jumped off a cliff'

I froze 'You're joking?' she had to be joking. My Bella couldn't be…dead.

'No, why would I joke about this? Anyway, now you can come back to our family and you can stop sulking. We can start over, like that girl never existed'

I didn't reply. I just stood there, frozen. My Bella was dead. Wow was that even possible?! She was my reason for living, I was connected to her. How could she just die and I didn't feel anything?!

'Edward? Edward, hello? Come on, talk to me' whined Rosalie from the receiver.

I pressed the end call button and dialed Bella's home number. She couldn't be dead, she just couldn't.

A male answered the phone 'Swan residence' he had a husky voice and sounded like he was in his 20's.

'Hello, this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen; could I please speak to Chief Charlie Swan?' I asked, imitating my father's voice.

'He's not here' he said rudely.

'Well where is he?' I spat back.

'He's at the funeral' he said simply. The funeral. Bella's funeral.

I hung up the phone and walked out of the attic. I knew exactly where I was going, I was going to put myself out of this misery. Voltera here I come.

'_No she can't_

_Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone'_

I stood at the clock tower in Voltera. This was it I thought as a slight breeze tickled my bare chest.

No one took any notice of me as o stood there…why would they…I was just another person to then…they had no idea what I had been through.

I inhaled deeply and savored my last moments.

I didn't fell anything…I was just…numb.

Aro had refused to kill me and he had asked me to be one of them. I chuckled quietly to myself; they were still trying to get me to become one of them even when I wanted to die. It wasn't even funny yet I was laughing…I must be mad.

At least I was going out with a bang or should I say a shine.

I imagined what would happen after I die…would I go to an after world…heaven or hell. Would I ever see my Bella again?

I glanced at my hands by my side. Too perfectly carved, too perfect for something made by god…but I had to be made by the devil. I had killed people, I had drunk blood, I had crossed over to the dark side, I was evil, and I would be going to hell, never to see my Bella again.

I sighed at the thought; I just wanted my life to be over…to never have to experience the loneliness of the last few months ever again.

I almost smiled at the thought of never feeling that pain again.

'_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?_

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?_

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?_

_Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?_

_Would you get them if I did?'_

The clock above me started to chime. I sighed. Goodbye, I though as I lifted my foot to step out into the sunlight.

'No, Edward!' I heard my love call. Why not I thought, you're already dead and if I do this, we can be together. Death must be taunting me, I thought, sending my Bella to torment me in my last moments on earth.

I lifted my foot again to take the step that would put me directly in the sunlight. I could almost feel the warmth of the sun against my skin and I smiled slightly. Almost there.

'_No you __won't_

_Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone'_

'No, Edward, Look at me' she yelled again. I could almost see her now, running through the crowd towards me. Here comes death was my last thought before I took the last step.

'_When you're dreaming with a broken heart_

_The waking up is the hardest part'_

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**Thanks sooooo much for reading and I hoped you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it :D :D :D**

**And, if you have the time, could you please review and tell me what you thought :D :D :D Thanks!!!  
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